a long, hard look

so, after today i am creative director on some projects… hm…

spending time out boozing – no problem with that.

there is this great ability to only hear those lines of lyrics that speak to you. and then again, there are just lyrics that have it all…

A new beginning, a fresh clean path
Yet slightly curved and striving to come back
The one you thought you were is gone

A loss of faith, all bridges burned
A strong commitment to return
and find the place where it all began to… burn!

A failure, a disgrace
You’ll get yourself erased

An old replacement will not do
Only fresh young meat will satisfy you
The purist in you tells you to stay clean

Your conscience now removed with haste
The stench of death reveals the taste
So precisely portrayed within frames – then replaced…

…the stench of death reveals the taste…
…an empty shell is all that remains…
…slow death…

i’ve come to learn that words might not be my path.
so, to reconcile…
humans wont work
objects, belongings neither
success has its parts but wont bring me to peace either
music is a mere valve, call it a vent.
i know that i probably have about 10 years to chew through before i am safe…

so i’ll go back to moving pictures.
probably prescription drugs as well…

and then what?
i am not so shure that i want to find out. as a very beauti- and insightful girl once said: “do you really want to know the answer to what you are inquiring?” and she (or rather my answer to this question) was absolutely right… no. i dont want to… i really dont care anymore.

people around me are on the verge of fading… dying. in the classical way. no metaphors, no bs, simply proceeding further into sickness and starting to lose a battle that theyve fought for years. and i am further away than ever before… yes. another part of my past is actually dying. another friend is leaving soon. and i am stuck in my own fucking way and the only way to let it out is on this FUCKING blog? yeah! i am doing great – just fine. with people who will NEVER just SHUT THE FUCK UP and stop ruminating their same old stories. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK FOR ONCE! if i hear one more word out of you all and how fucking hard you’ve had it while following your own fucking decisions, going your own ways… all the while just whining about shit over and over again. i SWEAR i will FUCKING SNAP. and trust me… when I lash out at you, you will not like me anymore. in fact, you will know how unkind and unforgiving even a person like me can be.

hm… seems it turned out more like a rant than a long hard look.
out.

edit in the morning:
seems, i’ve known the answer all along… it’s hatred. an unflinching feeling of superiority and hatred. speak of old dog vs. new tricks…